Anti-Coco

Kansas, I'm disappointed in you.

I just looked at the release schedule for Conan O'Brien Can't Stop, and guess what- none of the 19 cities that are playing the documentary are in KS.

http://conanobriencantstop.com/cantstop/schedule

I guess I'm not surprised, because Kansas has been puncturing my dreams since August of 2010, but I thought I made it perfectly clear how much I love Conan when I moved here. Get with the times, Kansas!

Son of a beeotch, wouldn't you know it?

I was driving along on my merry way last Friday. It was a little rainy out, nothing too treacherous. I was stopped at a pretty large intersection in Lawrence. All of a sudden I see a car very close in my rear-view mirror. I thought to myself Wow, that car might be too close to me to stop in this rain. Since I'm used to being a defensive driver (everyone else being terrible drivers), I was going to pull ahead a little, but of course I couldn't...there being a car right in front of me and all. So, I slowly got rear-ended by this dumb-ass.

If it isn't bad enough that this person doesn't understand the idea of driving on slightly dampened roads, here's the kicker: I take a right at the intersection and pull into the nearest parking lot. I wait a few minutes, and then I get out to check if there is any damage to my car. Thankfully, it looks fine to me. I wait a few more minutes, and NO ONE SHOWS UP.

Yeah that's right, not only is there a shitty unknown driver around, there is a shitty, unknown, hit-and-run driver around.

And I thought you people (Kansas)'s one redeeming quality could have been that you're nice. Ok, I just pulled that out of my ass, you were never nice. I was just trying to think of one decent thing about you, Kansas.

Serenity now,

Kristen

TRADER JOE'S! TRADER JOES! ANGRY MOB FOR TRADER JOE'S!

Kansas,

I was quite disappointed to move here and find no trader joe's in a 250 mile-radius (yes, I would consider driving 249 miles for a trader joe's).

And then, ALAS, I hear great news of 2 TJ's locations opening in KS city area in 2011. Wait- 2011?! That encompasses.....a whole year. Can you narrow it down a little bit? Tell me Spring of 2011, or June, 2011, not "2011". I am on pins and needles.

I actually drove by the location in Leawood where the Trader Joe's is going, and got very excited. Next thing I hear from the rumor mill is that there is "trouble" with......I don't remember, but it was something to the effect of Kansas being a little bitch about stuff. More importantly, I hear of problems with the TJ's in Leawood being able to sell liquor??? But of course not the one that will be in Missouri. Sounds like you're still being a buzz kill, Kansas.

Bring me my Trader Joe's, I say!

Happy? Hour

So a while ago my friends and I (yes, I have friends) went to Applebee's for happy hour (after 9pm, of course). Traditionally, at every Applebee's I have ever been to, during happy hour both the alcoholic beverages and the appetizers are half off. Believe it or not, I have been to "Happlebees" in multiple states.

Well guess what, folks- there was NO half-priced drinks deal during the happy hour at the Applebees in Lawrence, KS. Yes, I know, it makes me outraged too.

So they're not encouraging drinking in a college town, or they're just cheap? Maybe they think they're being "wholesome".

Generally I get krunked on $3 appletinis, but they try to get away with charging me $6. How absurd.

Lawrence Applebees, don't you know we're still in a recession. I need to drink to kill the pain, and I don't have very much money to pay for it. AND I'm a student, so double whammy.

Kansas, you're such a buzz kill.

Driving....again

Ok, Kansas Folks:

We already established you don't know how to drive in snowy weather. I'm going to give you a little Snow Driving 101 tip:

DON'T SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES WHEN YOU'RE FISH-TAILING

SNOWPOCALYPSE (sarcasm alert is red-orange)

When listening to the radio today, I heard a listener call in to describe the recent weather activity here as the "snow-pocalypse"....

I'm glad this woman got enough cell phone reception from her fallout shelter to call this in. I hope she and her family are still safely in there, because it definitely didn't...stop snowing this morning and the snow plows definitely didn't....clear the roads and put salt on them.

Enjoy your few inches of snow (especially as a conversation piece), Kansas, because it will all melt in a few days when it hits whatever mild winter temperature it usually does.

Down with the Post office!

I was riding the bus around campus today when I overheard some guy on the phone. He said " I don't know if I trust the post office anymore. I've sent a couple of letters that they lost". For the purposes of this blog, I'll assume this guy was a Kansas resident.

Uhhh sorry, dude, but unless Newman is your postman, I'm going to have to take the side of the post office on this one...

So where do you go from here? Choosing the no USPS route limits your options quite a bit, but I've come up with some for you:

1) Deliver your own mail. This will only cost you about 50,000% more than it would to pay for a stamp. But then again, if all the people you send letters to live within half a mile of you, you could actually be saving money.

2) Don't mail any letters. This might be feasible for you because of all of these new-aged, technology thingy-ma-bobs (like electronic mail).

3) Send telegrams. This would probably have to be through a private telegram service. I would give you the names of some, but this isn't the 19th century.

4) Boycott USPS. You could picket outside their headquarters, or just your local branch. Not sure how many people you could get to join you on this one. Me, personally, my letters have all been received.

5) I'll try to brainstorm some more for you, Kansas.

Any of these will significantly lower the chances of the postal espionage. Good luck!

Road conditions- NOT, more like crappy drivers

WTF Kansas,

You need to learn how to drive in snow. 6-10 inches? Please. We used to get 6-10 inches EVERYDAY when I was a kid back in Minnesnowta. We'd walk through the snow for 6 miles to get to school. I just don't understand why you think 4mph is EVER an acceptable speed to go on a freeway. EVER.

Let me guess- you'll probably close all your schools down tomorrow, won't you? Awwww, that's cute.